The art of rebound relationships in music

By Melanie Nava Urribarri

Earworms, not to be mistaken for earwigs–who have a poor reputation from the old European myth where these creatures burrow into the ears of sleeping people and lay eggs in their brains–can be perhaps one of every day’s greatest nuisances. Though they aren’t literal creatures, these tunes can certainly feel like wiggling, persistent worms that won’t go away, making a home in your head and adding yet another voice to block out.

Luckily, there are ways to fix this problem. Like finding a good rebound to get over that pesky ex, here are some Canadian earworm remedies that will have you swooning for another song in no time.

The Classic

How many times have you had that song on replay? Have your family and friends already begun to give you the stink eye? Oh, what’s that? You just can’t get it out of your head? Well, have you tried the musical version of “Have you turned it on and off again” by simply playing a different song on repeat? This classic solution can be more effective than you think if you play your cards right. For example, if you’re stuck in 2012 with an infamous Canadian earworm like “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen, there’s no need to change decades for the right counterattack. Stay in the year of the theorized apocalypse with Grimes’ promotional single “Oblivion”. A much more difficult Canadian song to hit the notes to, perfect for erasing numbers.

Change your environment

Just as being in a room for too long can suck away your energy and creativity, sometimes, the problem might not be you at all but your surroundings. How can you get over Avril Lavigne’s song “Girlfriend” if you’re stuck in the angry energy of your bedroom with all the memories of them? Get out and have some fun! Maybe go to your kitchen and treat yourself to something sweet with Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater”. Change your looping song from desiring to being desired and cure that earworm by switching locations and moods.

Chew

Stuck on 2010s Canadian heartthrobs like Justin Bieber or Shawn Mendes? According to the UK Counselling Directory, chewing gum or eating can create a new sensory experience, diverting your attention and possibly helping with a bad earworm. Instead of looping “As Long As You Love Me” with your young, hopeless romantic heart or “Treat You Better” –an earworm that peaked on the Billboard charts in 2016 and became a lovesick anthem–try eating the worm away like you might eat ice cream after a bad breakup.

Read a Book

Yes, reminiscing on the “best days of [your] life” with Canadian singer Bryan Adams and his recorded song “Summer of ‘69” can be all you need on a dreary day, but what happens when you simply can’t stop? Choosing a new distraction that requires new concentration can be just the way to do it.f you still want to do some nostalgic reflecting, maybe you can pick up Canadian author Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables for a heartwarming, coming-of-age other than your own.

Make a Playlist

Play games with your brain and battle the earworm with a combination move called “the playlist.” Much like simply playing a new song for your brain to catch, this strategic tip gives your mind something new to set its sights on– or many new somethings. Feel new adrenaline and satisfaction with a good playlist, such as one created by The Guardian with 30 of Toronto rapper Drake’s best songs.

Embrace it

People are wired to look for patterns. Our brain likes consistent stimulation, and as stated by Harvard Medical School, some songs are created with specific musical intervals and tempos that are just more appealing to us subconsciously. Earworms can be harmless, and, sometimes it’s really not that serious. So if you can, embrace your earworm! Listen to that song on a loop and dance the annoyed glares away. The artists receiving a rush of streams on their songs might just thank you.

Have you experienced the epic highs and lows of concert etiquette yet?

By Vihaan Bhatnagar

It’s November 2024. You’ve never been to a concert before, but when Taylor Swift announced that she was going to be performing in Toronto, you knew that you had to go. I know what you’re thinking: How do I know what I’m supposed to do and what I’m not? There are thousands of people here, how do I avoid being that one person that they all go home and sneer about?

Well, fear not my dear Swiftie. Because you can find everything you need right here. Here’s a list of everything that you should definitely do. These tips are going to help you beyond the Eras Tour, and you should keep them close for the rest of your life (or at least your 40s, which will probably be the last time you go to a concert).

Record the entire thing

I think the big question here is; why wouldn't you record the entire concert on your phone? Do you really think people don’t watch the videos of concerts they take? It’s the same way with baseball games and fireworks. Lord knows I always watch every video of these events at least 500 times before I inevitably forget and it falls down into the never-ending abyss that some call the cloud to be forgotten forever.

Make sure to hold your phone as high as you can and for as long as you can. Sure, your arm may hurt after a while. Sure, it might block the view of everyone behind you. But what’s truly important is to have physical proof so you can tell your 150 followers on Instagram that you spent $2000 on a ticket instead of paying half your rent, and then proceeded to be on your phone and watch it through a relatively tiny screen the entire time.

Whoever said “live in the moment” obviously never used an iPhone.

Sing along as loud as you can

Not just loud enough that only you can hear it and so it feels like you and Taylor have transcended all physical boundaries and become one with each other. Sing so loud that by the time you’re out of the venue, your throat hurts and your diet for the next few days needs to be of warm oatmeal and honey tea.

You don’t need to have sold millions of records, or even a singular record, to be allowed to screech at the top of your lungs and drown out the $13 million AV system at Rogers Centre.

You’re not just there to just watch and listen to the concert. The concert is there to listen to you. Each person who paid the price, however overpriced Ticketmaster may have made it, knew what they were getting into when they went into credit card debt.

Dance like your life depends on it

Because someday, it might. Remember not to wear elbow pads so everyone around you can feel the sting of your dancing. It needs to be clear that you’re the biggest and baddest fan there, and if you have to step on a few toes and break a couple of noses, well, that’s just the price of greatness, isn’t it?

I mean, it’s basically physical proof for them to remember the one true legend that they were in the presence of, who danced like there was no tomorrow.

Push everyone around looking for a better spot

It’s very possible and likely even that you’re going to end up in a spot that just isn’t the best. If that happens, you’re well within your rights to push and fight so you can find a better spot, even if it takes half the concert.

It shouldn’t matter that you’re making everyone uncomfortable and their experience unpleasant. You must fight everyone in attendance in a battle royale so you can find a spot that is going to end up never living up to your expectations.

Throw stuff at the stage

Try your best to bring objects just to throw at the performer so they remember you. Stuff like t-shirts, bras, leis, a pigeon, or your grandma’s ashes.

Earlier this year, P!nk was given an enormous wheel of cheese at a concert, followed by a fan’s mother’s ashes. She was clearly delighted by the cheese, less so by the ashes. But it’s the thought that counts. It might be different for every performer, but that’s a risk you’ll have to take. If you really want to commit, you can tailor your gift to the artist, and you could even spend between 12-20 hours creating a replica of Taylor Swift’s dress from The Eras Tour movie and throw it at her if you can get close enough to the stage. You never know; some people might appreciate having something chucked at them at point-blank range by a random person.

Why would anyone not want to get stuff thrown at them and be given random things that mean nothing to them? It’s not like they would want to just sing and have fun. Why would they want to just be doing their job of entertaining in peace?

There’s an entire list of things acceptable to throw on stage somewhere. I can’t remember where, but I’m sure it includes roses, phones, your wallet, hotel keys, a frisbee, a ship in a bottle, a wax statue of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and the Declaration of Independence.

All of these tips will be so helpful to you for your first concert ever, and for all the shows you attend after, for the rest of your life. These might be the best and most serious set of a definite guide of what to do at concerts you’ve ever seen.

This advice is so everlasting, it could be passed down to your children and to their children like an old family recipe. So make sure you definitely do all of this to ensure you and everyone around you have the most memorable concert of their life.

Reminder: CanCulture actually doesn't want you to do any of this. Please remember concerts are a shared collective experience. This is a satirical piece and we hope you've enjoyed it.