An unequivocal guide to fulfill your dreams of indie stardom, because we definitely need more of you!

By Sena Law

In the year of our lord, 2024, many things previously held as a novelty have become common practice. It is no longer an unfathomable concept for women to vote, for one to dial up a long-lost relative on a cellular device, or for man to fly in the air in a thousand-pound mechanical contraption.

Similarly, accessibility in the arts has reached a profound peak. The days of grinding bone marrow into paint pigments and etching poetry on wax plates are before us, it is now in anyone’s right and reach, to be a self-proclaimed artist. I would dare to argue that the only certification needed is the simple title of  “creative director” as part of your Instagram biography.

And for those who are a part of the music landscape, an observation might have dawned on you in recent years. Everyone is in a band. The once exciting news that someone you know is assembling their own musical posse is now as mundane and unremarkable as the weather report.

Perhaps you would like to challenge yourself in defying over-saturation or perhaps you just watched Sing Street and School of Rock one too many times — either way, you too have now been inspired by the world’s most original idea of starting your own indie boy band.

Regardless of your reasoning, who am I to deprive you of a shot at becoming the next The Smiths wanna-be? For all you aspiring band geeks out there, here is your unequivocal guide to fulfilling your dreams of indie stardom.

The Physical

While some insist it’s what’s on the inside that matters, I would argue against that sentiment when the goal is to capture the attention of as many manic pixie dream girls as the population permits. To embody the spirit of an indie bandmate, you must start with the physical. Call me vain but are you really ready to take on the sticky stage at a basement dive bar if you don’t look the part?

Facial hair, but really, a mustache

Important things should be emphasized. And if you take nothing else away from this manual, leave with the incentive to put down the razor. I cannot pinpoint the moment in history when mustaches became synonymous with indie men. I can, however, tell you that it is the very overwhelming public consensus that a spruce ‘stache is the core identity marker and a common denominator of respected indie musicians. So before you pick up your guitar or master your vocals — grow those puppies out.

It’s vintage, maybe

After a re-evaluation of your wardrobe, you should be ready to don the indie boy band uniform. The dress code is simple, really. A single-stitched vintage tee and one, singular, (make your choice wisely, this will be your only pair) article of oversized cargo pants or denim jeans that you will absolutely gate-keep when asked where they were purchased (don’t fret, no one will find out they are Levi 501s from Value Village). Juxtaposition is important, surely, so make sure to slip on your most business-casual loafers with high socks. Accessorize as you please, but hey, let’s leave the carabiners for climbers and lesbians.

Mod my body! But tamely

Nothing quite engages a conversation like a bad tattoo. And how else would you unsuspectingly bring up your involvement in the underground creative scene without a DIY tattoo from your friend’s basement in Montreal? You believe art is an expression and your forearm is filled with inked-on evidence of the trial and error that comes with being an artist. Stick it and poke it, my friend.

The Mental

Now that you look the part, it’s time to reinvent yourself mentally. Perhaps the most integral category of all, you must adopt the ethos of an indie bandmate and personify the phrase, “I’m not like other guys,” (and let me hold your hand when I tell you this…)

Holier than thou

Yes, babe, you are indeed better than everyone else. In a world of swifties and hip-hop enjoyers, you stand out like a flower in the mud. Your music taste is elusive and elite to the rest and your sense of superiority is most definitely not unfounded. Radiohead is your most played artist, evidenced by your Spotify Wrapped — keep up those faces of judgment when the normies tell you who they listen to.

Wait but I’m a feminist!

You are a good guy who understands the problematic nature of the patriarchy and its unrectifiable impacts on women today. But you also can’t help but mansplain every detail down to the bone, from the band tees on every fleeting passer-by to their discographies and the cultural significance of listening on vinyl…who can blame you? Most indie musicians are men for a reason, after all! We, as women, just lack the sophistication to comprehend their music in the same way you do. So as much as you might refute the label of a male manipulator, your ex-situationships and Hinge stats might beg to differ.

The Life

Someone wise once said, life is but a series of habits. In order to keep up the mysterious, nonchalant public perception that is so vital to your identity as an indie bandmate, you must lead a life that reflects the facade.

Let him cook

Why fuel the body when you can fuel the ego? Your diet should not consist of more than 1200 calories a day, because one — believe it or not, you haven’t gotten the streams on your latest LP to fulfill a livelihood just yet and two —  how else would you fit into your size 28 corduroy Levi’s? Start with the breakfast of champions: an espresso shot (or black coffee if you have the liquid calories to spare) and a cigarette of your choice (anything from Belmonts to Next, bonus points if you score some smuggled in Marlboro Gold). And of course, you don’t subscribe to the peasantry of draft beer, so only craft beer it is. Support small, amirite? 

Not all who wander are lost

As previously established, you are better than the rest on all fronts. It’s only natural that your superiority is also prevalent in your day-to-day. When you’re not busy filming guitar solos to post on Instagram reels or putting your half-completed graphic design degree to work with the poster for your next show, your pastimes are as elusive as your social media presence. You spend your days meandering around record stores and cafes, somewhere around Ossington, making sure the copy of Norwegian Wood peeking out from your tote bag doesn’t go unnoticed. And if anyone asks — yes, you did discover A24 before it was popular.

That’s just my side gig

In a perfect world, you would be touring North America in a sprinter. In reality, your rent was due last Tuesday. To sustain yourself in this capitalistic society (one that you so deeply despise, as detailed in your Instagram story), you reluctantly work as a barista or bartender. But of course, your occupation will always be a musician where it matters (Hinge).

The Band

Oh yes, the music. Almost slipped my mind.

It’s supposed to sound like that

Of course, you are most likely independent “by choice” and not for the fact that your music is a Ctrl C + Ctrl V of every other indie band that worships The Cure. Some might call it Lo-fi, some might call it shittily-produced. Regardless, pick up your guitar, do a few more hallucinogens and carry on making that whiny song about how you are a non-conformist maverick.

‘twas a good run

Regardless of whether you take on the role of tortured-genius-frontman or one of the pragmatic bandmates, you should prepare for the ugly tension that will inevitably be your band’s demise. Just be sure to save face and announce the reason behind your breakup as “artistic differences.”

Now that you have been equipped with the blueprint to becoming the next indie sensation, you can soar off with your whiskers and dreams of stardom. So go ahead, follow this guide and may your indie boy band arc be as poetic as that one Spotify playlist of yours that no one asked for.

Whatever helps fuel the ego, babe.