Have you experienced the epic highs and lows of concert etiquette yet?

By Vihaan Bhatnagar

It’s November 2024. You’ve never been to a concert before, but when Taylor Swift announced that she was going to be performing in Toronto, you knew that you had to go. I know what you’re thinking: How do I know what I’m supposed to do and what I’m not? There are thousands of people here, how do I avoid being that one person that they all go home and sneer about?

Well, fear not my dear Swiftie. Because you can find everything you need right here. Here’s a list of everything that you should definitely do. These tips are going to help you beyond the Eras Tour, and you should keep them close for the rest of your life (or at least your 40s, which will probably be the last time you go to a concert).

Record the entire thing

I think the big question here is; why wouldn’t you record the entire concert on your phone? Do you really think people don’t watch the videos of concerts they take? It’s the same way with baseball games and fireworks. Lord knows I always watch every video of these events at least 500 times before I inevitably forget and it falls down into the never-ending abyss that some call the cloud to be forgotten forever.

Make sure to hold your phone as high as you can and for as long as you can. Sure, your arm may hurt after a while. Sure, it might block the view of everyone behind you. But what’s truly important is to have physical proof so you can tell your 150 followers on Instagram that you spent $2000 on a ticket instead of paying half your rent, and then proceeded to be on your phone and watch it through a relatively tiny screen the entire time.

Whoever said “live in the moment” obviously never used an iPhone.

Sing along as loud as you can

Not just loud enough that only you can hear it and so it feels like you and Taylor have transcended all physical boundaries and become one with each other. Sing so loud that by the time you’re out of the venue, your throat hurts and your diet for the next few days needs to be of warm oatmeal and honey tea.

You don’t need to have sold millions of records, or even a singular record, to be allowed to screech at the top of your lungs and drown out the $13 million AV system at Rogers Centre.

You’re not just there to just watch and listen to the concert. The concert is there to listen to you. Each person who paid the price, however overpriced Ticketmaster may have made it, knew what they were getting into when they went into credit card debt.

Dance like your life depends on it

Because someday, it might. Remember not to wear elbow pads so everyone around you can feel the sting of your dancing. It needs to be clear that you’re the biggest and baddest fan there, and if you have to step on a few toes and break a couple of noses, well, that’s just the price of greatness, isn’t it?

I mean, it’s basically physical proof for them to remember the one true legend that they were in the presence of, who danced like there was no tomorrow.

Push everyone around looking for a better spot

It’s very possible and likely even that you’re going to end up in a spot that just isn’t the best. If that happens, you’re well within your rights to push and fight so you can find a better spot, even if it takes half the concert.

It shouldn’t matter that you’re making everyone uncomfortable and their experience unpleasant. You must fight everyone in attendance in a battle royale so you can find a spot that is going to end up never living up to your expectations.

Throw stuff at the stage

Try your best to bring objects just to throw at the performer so they remember you. Stuff like t-shirts, bras, leis, a pigeon, or your grandma’s ashes.

Earlier this year, P!nk was given an enormous wheel of cheese at a concert, followed by a fan’s mother’s ashes. She was clearly delighted by the cheese, less so by the ashes. But it’s the thought that counts. It might be different for every performer, but that’s a risk you’ll have to take. If you really want to commit, you can tailor your gift to the artist, and you could even spend between 12-20 hours creating a replica of Taylor Swift’s dress from The Eras Tour movie and throw it at her if you can get close enough to the stage. You never know; some people might appreciate having something chucked at them at point-blank range by a random person.

Why would anyone not want to get stuff thrown at them and be given random things that mean nothing to them? It’s not like they would want to just sing and have fun. Why would they want to just be doing their job of entertaining in peace?

There’s an entire list of things acceptable to throw on stage somewhere. I can’t remember where, but I’m sure it includes roses, phones, your wallet, hotel keys, a frisbee, a ship in a bottle, a wax statue of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and the Declaration of Independence.

All of these tips will be so helpful to you for your first concert ever, and for all the shows you attend after, for the rest of your life. These might be the best and most serious set of a definite guide of what to do at concerts you’ve ever seen.

This advice is so everlasting, it could be passed down to your children and to their children like an old family recipe. So make sure you definitely do all of this to ensure you and everyone around you have the most memorable concert of their life.

Reminder: CanCulture actually doesn’t want you to do any of this. Please remember concerts are a shared collective experience. This is a satirical piece and we hope you’ve enjoyed it.