From turning knobs to being a snob, crossfading to women-manipulating —  this guide has got you covered.

By Sena Law

Nightlife is defined by many things — some might say it’s about the music, the venue or perhaps the company you keep through your after-dusk endeavours. But if you are a true wanderer of the night, you would have come to the consensus that the essence of nightlife relies on one important figure and no, it’s not the mistake of a man you drunkenly call when the clubs close, nor God, but the real nocturnal paladin — the guy behind the deck. 

Disc jockeys (DJs) have historically been the main character of any after-dark events for absolutely good reasons. Without them, we would be deprived of not only their meticulously curated Spotify playlists, the transition from “Not Like Us” to “FE!N,” but most imperatively, the virtue of self-importance. If there is one thing Canadian nightlife is forever deprived of, the answer will always unequivocally be more aspiring DJs. And if you, dear reader, have found the aspiration to take on this colossal of a position, rejoice as you have found your way to this incontestable recipe.

THE PHYSICAL

Being the centre of attention at every single function is not an easy task. As much as your aura speaks for itself, you must also reflect your inner superiority onto the vessel that is your corporeal form. The key here is to try your hardest at looking like you haven’t tried at all. Nonchalant is your middle name, evident by the blanched wrinkles on your jeans juxtaposed by the designer sunglasses hanging off your face. Have concerns about if you are being perceived as the cool guy you undoubtedly are? The oversized graphic tee with screen-printed profanity will most definitely show ‘em!

THE MENTAL

Clarity of mind means clarity of passion. In your case, your status of unemployment in your late 20s could be explained by the grand venture you took to get to the podium that is the APT 200 DJ booth, or perhaps it’s the years of substance use. One way or another, you’re allergic to effort like you’re allergic to a nine-to-five. Alas, the only thing here that really matters is how you allocate the 25 guest list spots to the outpour of Hinge matches you’ve invited out to your first set.

THE LIFE

Every well-established DJ will tell you the secret to success lies in the connections you build. That alone should be your inspiration to hang around every esteemed club and bar the city offers. Some might call it loitering, you shall call it networking. Do not miss out on any opportunity to discreetly slide over your Instagram handle.

“Need someone for opendeck?”

THE SET

Gone are the days when DJs spent hours crate-digging for vinyl records. In 2024, the best sets will be built in Spotify or SoundCloud. Pick some obscure techno tracks, a remix of a painfully overplayed TikTok sound and a sprinkle of “deep house” or “Brazilian funk” (terms you’ll confidently throw around without really knowing what they mean). Et voilà — your setlist is done. Pro tip: The sync button is going to be your best friend. 

The truth of the matter is, being a DJ is much more than the act of twisting knobs, pressing buttons or scratching discs — it is the art of presenting yourself as the singular most important person in any room. You take on the role of the sound artist, the vibe curator and any and all unbridled pseudo-titles DJs call themselves. And sure, you might not know what BPM stands for, but who cares? In the world of contemporary DJhood, it’s the art of illusion that truly matters.  So slap on those headphones, hit shuffle on your EDM playlist and look forward to the glory day that you spin a set at a D-list music festival and reminisce on an Instagram post about the person you were before you bought your first Pioneer deck.

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